Do you guys remember, waaaaayyyyy back, like a week ago, in my first post, what I said step three was on my list? I've Started unprocessing our diets, started unprocessing our home and health care cupboards, Now I get to unprocess my kids. I have actually been dreading this step more than any other. You see, this step I have no one to blame but ourselves. I can't fault the food industry for putting profit over people, I can't fault nanoparticles or phytoestrogens, it's me and Matt. Our job as parents. Somewhere between manners, empathy, love, and laughter I forgot to teach work ethic and responsibility. It wasn't for lack of trying. We tried probably 100 different ways. Every time lends to the same result. Broken toys, lost pieces, hidden candy wrappers, forgotten library books, misplaced homework. I am handed coloring pages scribbled through hastily like a cracked out 2 yr old that stays somewhat between the lines. Nothing is ever finished, it's half-assed, and as little is done as possible. Never mind that it is completely normal for my kids to spend entire weekends cleaning rooms that aren't that dirty to start with. They can drag their feet or sprint to the finish line, but it's never done the way they were supposed too. Even homework is sloppy and messy. My oldest daughter's desk at school gets so bad that I get sent home letters about it. How can two girls, one who is raising books for every kid in their school to be able to have books at home of their own and one who just made a sign tonight that said Running for Boston that she wants me to pin to her shirt when we go to the park and she just wants to run the whole time to show support, have such little regard for cleanliness, organization, and sheer giving a crap? They want to change the world, but they can't change the laundry! It's because of me. This is the consequence for my actions. I have not been ensuring that I was teaching my children the right lessons. I taught them they are infallible and everything they tough is gold. A lot of us are guilty of that. We refuse to criticize our children for fear of hurting their little psyches. Instead we are denying whole generations the chance to mature, to see each mistake, each failure as a stepping stone to success. I have been cracking down lately, I have been expecting more and insisting they do it. I just always redo it when it's not done right out of frustration. That stops today.
So yesterday I started what is clearly going to be one of the biggest undertakings of my life. I have started making a responsibility chart. *dundunduuuuuuunnnnnnnn* What's the big deal you ask? Kids all over have chores. Yes, but somehow I have enabled my two beautiful little girls to be slovenly pigs incapable of sweeping a floor, loading the dishwasher, or folding laundry. We are going to be homesteading in Washington State on no less than 60 acres. We are going to have crops and livestock. We will have to work hard to reap the rewards from this life style. We will have to always do our best and always do it right. None of this half assed crap they've been allowed to skate by on (Sheesh, I am a horrible mom... LOL). So the responsibility list has to be flexible. Willing to grow as they do. I would like to have them able to do all of the basic household chores while I tackle the more difficult, dangerous, laborious, skilled type things. I do realize they are only 7 & 10... but we are preparing them to be able to this when they will be 12 & 15. But I can't wait until then to spring it on them. I have to train them up, just like I have to train myself. It's homeschooling 101. I am preparing them for their future and to function productively in the world around them.
I have also made the mistake of teaching my kids about chores rather than household responsibilities. I have made it begrudging work that comes with rewards for doing what you should be doing in the first place. I'll explain it like this... a family is a micro society functioning with in a larger society. In any society every person has a responsibility (if not more than one) that they do in order to keep said society functioning smoothly. A fireman puts out fire and responds to emergencies to keep society safer, the sanitation crew cleans up the trash and keeps the society clean, the doctors help to heal and comfort, etc, etc, etc. One person can do it all, but then things would not run as smoothly because that one person could not focus on one task at a time, his workmanship would be shotty from being unable to devote the proper amount of time to it, and the community at large would suffer. A family is much the same way, but in smaller scale. Ask any mom who works, and keeps the house clean, and does all the cooking, and pays all the bills, and does all the yard work, and keeps track of everyone's schedule, and..., and..., and... She will tell you, after a minute things fall apart, she cracks. The entire society's function and survival have been placed entirely on her. Imagine if everyone who was old enough to do so, kept track of their own schedule, picked up their own stuff, cleaned up their own messes, and stepped in to help with some of the communal needs at large (like dishes or laundry or yard work). The mom would have time to spend quality time with everyone, prepare healthy meals, focus on important tasks and problem solving. Everyone took responsibility to make the society as a whole run smoother. With out responsible actions by responsible people society would crumble, and families will too. Now Chores, they are optional things that are not necessary, but helpful. Scrubbing walls, for instance, imo is a chore. Yes it looks nicer but really, wtf the point? Picking up our rooms and taking care of our own belongings is a responsibility. I do not want my kids to see their responsibilities to our family as an optional thing that isn't really necessary. I don't want them to grow up thinking that any responsibility is a chore. They are different and it's an important difference to know. Not only as children, but for the rest of their lives. It teaches them value dedication, hard work, and respect.
Respect? How does it teach them respect? Think about it. People put a lot of thought and effort into gifts, let alone the hard work the had to do to earn the money to buy (or make) said gift. What message are we sending to the people who gave them to us. Your effort and hard work are not important to me. I am treating your gift, your physical representation of your feelings for me, like it does not matter, like you do not matter. The subconscious thought process is I will just get a new one when this one breaks, I can waste money and resources from everyone around me so I do not have to be responsible for my own things or actions. This is showing vast amounts of disrespect to the people around you who provide for you, give to you, sacrifice for you. If you were to lend something of yours to someone else and they were to use it in a matter that you specifically asked them not to (or they knew better than) and your item was damaged or destroyed, you would feel disrespected. It's the same when you turn it around or apply it to yourself. That is why it is also a matter of self respect. Just like when you see someone who is slam drunk most nights, dresses like a prostitute, smokes like a chimney, and passes themselves around like a party platter, you realize that they have no respect for themselves. Self respect comes from caring about ourselves. I can dress as nice as I would like, but if my home is a disaster, covered in filth, with broken windows and non functioning parts, I am showing my inability to value myself enough to be worth living in conditions which are clean and presentable, safe and healthy, organized and stress free. I am not worthy of goodness, so I do not provide it for myself. When we respect ourselves we do our best to keep ourselves presentable and well cared for. Our belongings are simply an extension of ourselves. If we are not willing to value ourselves, in any form, then we are at a loss of self respect.
But how do you motivate children to do their responsibilities with out teaching them entitlement? If you give performance based allowance, rewards, or bribes you are teaching them to link responsibilities with with getting something beneficial. No body comes in and hands me $5 when I mow the lawn. I did it because it needed to be done. It's a responsibility, not a job. Now, if one day I just really want the walls clean, but I don't feel like scrubbing them, I can offer them payment for doing a job that was not a responsibility, just something I wanted and they were willing to do that work for me so I did not have to. That's economics. What happens is when you start paying for responsibilities, kids start expecting to be paid for doing what they are just supposed to do. Say Little Johnny is supposed to sweep the wood shop. The wood shop, you realize, hasn't been swept in months, there is dirt and debris everywhere, so you really want it clean. Out of desperation (and the desire of just once not having to nag your kids to do something helpful around the house) you tell Johnny you will give him $5 to clean the wood shop, like he was supposed to in the first place. At the thought of $5, Johnny is giddy with gumption and promptly goes and sweeps the wood shop. He gets his $5 dollars and is content. A week later Johnny comes up to you asking about his $5. What $5? you ask. I already paid you. But I just swept the wood shop again. You gave me $5 last time I did it, so where is my $5? Now little Johnny never wants to sweep the wood shop because he feels entitled to payment for his responsibility to your family and you are not going to pay him every time he does what he is told to do. You are both frustrated, angry, and feel taken advantage of. But, you can't get mad at Johnny. This is what you taught him. I will pay you to do what you are supposed to do. You have taught him entitlement. That he has the right to $5 every time he sweeps the wood shop. So if you have a reward for performance type of system you are telling your kids that they are entitled to special extras for doing what they are supposed to be doing in the first place. But then how do we make them want to help out, do their share? Gratitude.
This will take an unusual amount of patience and tongue biting (I hope you like the taste of blood). Because at first they are not going to want to do these added things for your thanks (especially if you have inadvertantly taught entitlement). They are going to roll your eyes and moan and whine. They are going to drag their feet and stomp around. You are going to have to explain societies and what societies are. You will have to teach them about responsibility and why it's important. And then they will still mope about doing as little as possible. So then you show them gratitude and attitude. Let them do it shotty, then thank them for trying, but say they still have to go back and redo it. While you appreciate that they tried, you do not appreciate their lack of effort. That doing it the way they did was not of benefit and that they will have to do it again. This will make for tears and fits galore. Seriously, you have to deal with it. This is where I have failed as a parent. I always end up stepping in or doing it myself, fussing and yelling the whole way, but they are still off the hook of actually learning respect and responsibility. I am encouraging laziness and less than their best effort. This is where I need to work harder. When they do it right, praise them, thank them. Not over the top type stuff, save that for when it's needed. You don't want them to be praise junkies. But let them know you appreciate what they've done. Their contribution. Everyone likes to know they are appreciated and validated. But make sure you are giving the time and guidance for them to learn to do it properly, and that the responsibility is not beyond their ability. I'm sure I could learn to rebuild a transmission, but if you just sat the pieces in from of me and said, do it, I would fail. It would take time and education, and guidance. At this moment not only do I not know how to do it properly, but it is way above my mechanical ability. It would not be fair to make me re-do what I still don't know, properly. This is the same for kids. I expect mine to fold laundry properly and put them into their drawers neatly once folded. I do not expect them to be able reorganize their wardrobe for summer. I have to be realistic as to what they can do. Next year, Cassie might be able to, but until she is ready for it, I won't ask that of her. As they learn to do their responsibilities more regularly and with full effort and with out nagging you cut back your constant appraisals. Let them learn that helping is a reward in and of itself, that there is a great deal of satisfaction in accomplishment, that hard work is the reward. This teaches them work ethic, dedication, gumption, stick-to-it-iveness. This teaches them that if they are going to do it then it needs to be done right. Respect and responsibility and a healthy sort of pride.
This does not mean they do not get an allowance. This would rob them of learning value and economics. Every week give them a privilege (television/computer/video game time, time with the art box, sewing time, etc) or small amount of money. As adults we do our responsibility of our jobs everyday. We are given a paycheck. I use my children's education as their "job". Because they are working hard to learn and be educated on top of the responsibilities that we all have to do for our home. As long as they are getting an education and "going" to school, I will support them. This is their career until they are ready to go out into the world. We use technology as their reward. The are given a half hour a day to be banked up for the weekends, with 15 minutes (non reward) a day for educational games during the week IF all of their homework and responsibilities are done properly... not because they are done properly, but as a fun way to relax and learn if there is time in your day. We just limit their exposure. Theoretically, every weekend, they are allowed 3 1/2 hours of technology time to be divied up amongst the things they would like to do. Except that isn't always the case, but it is still their choice. I assign each responsibility a value of minutes (also each bad behavior that they are insistent upon continuing.... like talking back). At the end of the week, any responsibility that was not done or done improperly has their value of minutes removed from their tally and reassigned to the person who completed said task. If Sally doesn't do the dishes, but Molly sees they need done and does them instead, then Sally must "pay" Molly for doing them. As an adult, if I do not feel like or do not have time to wash my car, I have to pay someone else to do this for me. My car needs washed in order to stay well kept and of worth, vehicles are a responsibility. So Say Sally has 3 1/2 hours banked up and she doesn't do the dishes all week and they are valued at 5 minutes a day then she loses 25 minutes of her time. Say Molly did the dishes all week, Sally must pay her that 25 minutes. Now Molly has 3 hrs and 55 mins of technology time. Sally can get upset all she wants, but this was her choice. She chose not to do the dishes, so she must "pay" for them to be done. If you "spent" all your minutes, you are sol and better get your happy butt busy. Because if I can't afford for someone to pay someone to wash my car, then I'm back to doing it myself. But this payment system will also be voluntary. Say the next week Molly wants to go camping with friends, but she has to fold the laundry. Laundry folding is valued at 10 minutes. She can offer that time to Sally if she will fold the laundry for her. If you apply this model to money and the real world, you have taught them basic economics. The best part, is by not allowing them to go into the red, borrowing against their time for the next week, you have also reduced their chance of debt. You are teaching them to live with in their means.
So, making a chart is not as easy for me as listing their "chores" and checking them off as they complete each one. I am trying to teach my daughters a LOT more than how to pick things up. I am trying to use this everyday life experience to prepare them for the world. to make them stronger women, better human beings. Responsibility, respect, worth, appreciation, duty, work ethics, and economics, All from cleaning their rooms. To me that makes it worth the extra effort. I am not looking forward to letting go of some control. I am a little bit of a control freak. It's the only way to make sure things get done right. But I am being selfish beyond reason to deny my children these valuable opportunities to learn so much. And let's be honest, up on the mountains these lessons are going to ensure our survival. Not just as in life, but as a family.
And bonus tip!! Make lists in kid friendly print and language for the order of things to be done in each area/room when cleaning them. Kids have short memory spans about stuff like that and you saying go clean the kitchen may result in the dishes done and the floor swept, but nothing else. An easily visible posted list of expectations included when cleaning a room will ensure the counters get wiped, stove gets scrubbed, floors get mopped and sinks get cleaned too. You may still have to work out the details (like it's a lit easier to sweep and mop if you move the chairs, trash can, and dog bowls. LOL) but this will cut down on a lot of EVRYONE's frustrations!
Today's small step is to give up some control, hold our tempers and our tongues, exude patience and gratitude, and teach our children not just to clean, but to contribute. Kids inherently want to make the world a better place, and I have no doubt that someday mine will, but they cannot do that with out the lessons they will learn from their responsibilities at home. Sometimes to show love we have to pull the rug out from under the little guys and let them fail, let them fall. Teach them the consequences for their actions. If we are not respectful and responsible for ourselves, our family, our pets, our planet, or our belongings they will break, they will fall apart and they will no longer be of worth. He leaves his Buzz Lightyear in the rain and it doesn't work anymore, don't replace it. Teach him the consequences of his actions. It was up to him to remember to bring in his toys from outside. They are his responsibility, no one else. She waits until Sunday night after dinner to tell you she had a weekend project that's due tomorrow, let her fail. This one project is highly unlikely to make a difference in her educational career, but this one project will teach her the pitfalls of procrastination. Remebering her assigned school work is her responsibility. It is her homework, not your. She doesn't pick up her room and now her favorite books cover is torn off. That is her consequence for not responsible and respectful over your belongings. He forgot to tell you about his big game coming up and it was missed, that is his consequence for not being responsible for his own interests. You're not the one playing the sport. They stayed up late giggling and talking and are now going to be late for school. Don't write them a not with a lied about excuse. Let them learn about time management and the importance of a good nights sleep. It's a LOT better to do it now than when they let Fido starve to death in their college apartment... or when you have to go bail them out of jail. Don't start bailing them out now and they will learn to be responsible so you won't ever have to. So give your child responsibilities. Let them make mistakes, let them fail, and use those moments to teach them how to rise up. Help them to not only grow, but to mature. Seriously, society at large depends on it.
Today I wish you patience. You're going to need it. .
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