I just got home from taking Hubby back to his truck. He was able to come home briefly for a day and a half. This is a special treat. His home time isn't scheduled for another two and a half weeks. He's usually gone 6-8 weeks at a time, so bonus time is cherished time. But saying goodbye, again, is always the hardest part. Our whole family sacrifices for this job, but it's the only way we have to not only support our family, but to also build and save to accomplish our dreams. We may all have to give up a little (or a lot) right now, but we will make sure that it's all worth it. We'll all be better for it in the long run. It's about the greater good for our family. That's what makes each and every good bye worth it. Knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel (that there is an end of the tunnel) is a great feeling.
We all have sacrifices we have to make. Our own struggles and demons that we fight each day. Sometimes, in the middle of all of this tedium and scraping by, we lose track of where we are going. Sometimes the struggles are enough that we aren't even sure where we were going in the first place. It's difficult to keep our chins up when every time we try to it feels like we get punched in the face. It makes it too easy to just become stagnate, complacent with our lot in life. We simply play the cards we've been given. Nothing in life is fair, so you make the best with what you have. People are always trying so hard to make sure that they don't miss the blessings around them and to always be grateful that we feel selfish for wanting more than out assigned lot in life. Someone always has it worse and we should just be happy we have it as good as we do.
I call Bull. I was raised, my whole life, to not only grateful for what I have in front of me, but to also always try to reach further. I was taught that wealth can buy your family presents, but not your presence. That the most important thing in life is the love all around you. To work hard, believe deep, love with all you've got, fight for what's yours, be strong but soft, and dream big. All of these lessons have driven me to become who I am, and to given me the strength to dare to dream of becoming something more, better. This doesn't mean that I am always living in the clouds. I am a very grounded realist with a touch of optimism and a lot of drive. I know that money cannot buy happiness, which is why, as tempting as it sounds, I don't want to be a millionaire. I would rather have the wealth of friends and family, of happiness and accomplishment. I would rather live in a 2 bedroom shanty on a mountain with my family close to me, working together to provide for ourselves, to become closer in our survival, then in a giant mansion somewhere, filthy rich but disconnected from my family, with my kids being raised on cuckoo chocolate crispy crunch and video games. As a matter of fact, option one sounds about as close to heaven as I can imagine.
When we realized what our dream was, what we had been searching for through every other endeavor and failure, we decided to write down everything we wanted. Then we wrote down very real steps, albeit small ones, to get there. Step one, find Matt work. Step two, get caught up on bills, etc. (We've talked about this and my lists). We didn't expect to accomplish any of these over night. We didn't try to plan to move across the country in 6 months. We were not going to fail this time. Failure, you see, is not an option. We won't allow it. We would love to be able to move out there before Cassie has to start middle school. But that's less than a year and a half away. So, if it happens that way, it happens. But we're not going to stress it and throw our dream away if it doesn't. We're flexible. We gave ourselves 5 yrs to accomplish what we want to do. Get on our feet, get healthy and unprocessed, buy land, buy small (build small) temporary housing, renewable energy, move, set up land and build house from lands resources, feed and sustain ourselves. Our desperation led us to our dreams. The pretties flowers grow from the smelliest of manures.
We had our main list, our general goals, and outline. We knew there was going to be a lot of work. A lot of learning to be done, of knowledge to be obtained. We had a lot of time before we could start really checking things off the list, so instead of day dreaming about our plans, we immediately started learning how to achieve them. That first week I went to the library and checked out books on home design and architecture. The next month, renewable energy, the next month gardening, then sewing this month. And now, with the interwebs at my disposal, I am learning things our local library didn't have information on. I would no longer sit idly by and wait for my life to change. Setting goals like this helps me to learn what we'll need to know to survive the way we want to survive. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves for what we didn't have, we could be grateful for what we did have and celebrate what we could become. It is basic, and simple, and it will be hard. But it will be ours.
Don't get me wrong. There are days I shutter at the magnitude of the life we will be taking on. I hesitate in my ability to be enough of a person to succeed and that we will not survive. These are my weeds of doubt creeping into my garden. I want to cultivate happiness in each step of this journey. I want to revel in each success with out fear of failure, of being trapped forever in mediocrity. I want my garden to be an example, a shining beacon of joy. I want to be evidence of everything that is beautiful in this whole world. (Line from a Rehab song, but it's true!). In order to do this, sometimes we have to get tough, yank on the work gloves, and pull some weeds. Rid ourselves of the self doubt that's slowly trying to strangle the life out of simply being happy. It holds you back from the best of what you are. And sometimes, our sacrifice is pulling those weeds. Getting rid of the doubts and self apathy and fear can be scary in and of itself. We are letting the weeds over run and control our garden and we are afraid to pull them out and be left with nothing to show. But you need clean soil to grow a bountiful crop and you need a clean mind and soul to grow a bountiful you.
Today, the small step is to find your dream. Write it down, come up with a plan. It doesn't have to be quick and easy. The good things in life rarely are. Don't take what you have for granted but don't settle for mediocrity either. Life isn't fair and you truly have to make best of what you have. I have my family. I have an able body and an able mind. I have dreams and goals. I am going to make the best of them. And today you can too. There is more to being healthy then eliminating junk food and exercising. There's more to going off the grid than shutting off your lights. And there's more to changing your life than dreaming about it. We can take all of the processed foods out of our cupboards, but until we have unprocessed our minds and our selves, then we are still just filling ourselves and our family with poison in a box. Only we made the box and it's filled with our own poison. Don't lose sight of the forest through the trees. Cherish each moment and make sure as you move forward you don't leave the important stuff behind. But don't feel like you have to stand still either. Stop trying to find the easy road and carve your own path. You will have to sacrifice. But you can't harvest the bounty in life unless your willing to tend the fields. Today, take the step to make the best of what you've got.
Today, today I hope you feel contentment. There's a peace there that few will know.
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